"Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?"
I didn't say that. Joel from Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind said for me something that I've always felt. That's my sorry state. I've been falling in love with all sorts of women and girls and the sad part is I never could find myself comfortably talking to them. I've been living for nearly 23 years now and the total time I have spent talking with girls other than somebody related to me, is probably an hour in a long life. That too, most of it was 'do you know where somebody is' or 'can you hold my computer while I'm gone' kind of stuff. Never a single interesting conversation. And I'm a lesser person for that!
I have other problems too and like my friends say, I must be stupid prioritising this problem at such a crucial point in my life. But then, only I know how much this affects me. I might get a job after all, but this is a problem I need to solve once and for all. It's about my internal harmony.
"If only I could meet someone new. I guess my chances of that happening are somewhat diminished, seeing that I'm incapable of making eye contact with a woman I don't know."
That's Joel again and that's the bigger problem. My case is probably a bit more aggravated than Joel's. I'm incapable of making eye contact with even women I know. While hanging out with friends, if one of their girfriends come over, I find my eyes automatically searching for a nice piece of plaster on the wall opposite to where the girl is standing. And I'll be mute for just as much time as the girl is around, answering mostly in single syllables when questions are directed towards me. This is an uneasiness I chose to avoid and I find myself preferring to being alone in the computer lab, rather than be with friends and risk one of their girlfriends walking over.
This is just a small part of my problem. It affects me in every walk of my public life. In private, I'm even more affected by the sheer mystery of the pleasure that talking to a girl would be. Often I feel the urge to sit next to a girl. I feel the urge to talk to a girl. This defines a good percentage of the depressions that overcome me these days.
I fantasize stopping in the corridor one of the new juniors in college, and simply trying to strike a conversation with any of them. I probably have someone in mind too. But knowing me, I'll in all probability drop this plan, like all the other plans I've dropped before this. God help me!
I know I am painting a sorry picture. But this is the kind of truths that I wanna shout out. If I can't do this here, then I don't know what use my blog is to me.
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4 comments:
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Ha, you should talk to our common friend Kota Chandan on this matter. He's become very cool suddenly in fourth year with the women just queuing behind him for his attention. He might be able to give you some pointers. But the strict Brahminical mind that he possesses, he has still to decide what is more important, action or god. In the meantime he finds solace in sleep,porn and ghee. Its a blessed existence.
Dude, it's no sorry picture you are painting. It's just a fact, may be not-so-desirable. I know it exactly what you've been through and believe me I have more years experience than you, yup am almost a decade older to you but still it's a problem. But I've some great friends online and I went and met one of them and it's been quite a nice experience. But I'm sure that you'll find yourself at ease in the company of women sooner or later. Keep writing, it's a very honest post and I really love it.
I can quite identify with what you are going through. The only difference is that, having found the 'perfect man' after a long search I miss my days of commitment free life.
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